Just A Vanity

It is on Friday,  29th July 2016, 1800hrs. Time Zone, GMT +03:00, Limuru Time

He grabs a porridge filled old metallic cup, probably made in China. He closes his eyes and takes a sip. A glug echoes in the dark corner as he swallows. With his eyes closed he feels the hot porridge meandering through his oesophagus. And lands with a thud in his stomach causing a borborygmus. Belching, he slowly opens his eyes in the dark corner of Mama Shiko’s Hotel.

He sits here all alone. There is something about this hotel-something that makes it look deserted. Something that makes him settle for it. Something lonely. Something calming. The hotel is located 50metres from the gate of his grandmother’s home. Mama Shiko’s Hotel neighbours Kimutu forest. 10kilometres from Limuru town and 12 Kilometers from Githunguri town. It is part of the withered Karichu shopping centre which is alone from the main Gitiha shopping centre. Don’t Google search it, won’t find a thing but it exists.

A wicked wind from the forest blows through the window and sips into him. It curdles his blood eliciting a hiss. It massages his muscles and leaves him rejuvenated. He looks at his phone with a lot of expectations. Expectations that a certain Human Resource Manager will just call in and say “You have landed a job/internship with us, please report on Monday”. Ooooh boy the phone doesn’t ring. Sad. Mad. Angry.

A ball forms in his throat. Tears hang in his eyes. They are about to flow. He bites his lip and pushes them back. With bitterness, he takes another gulp closing his eyes. He doesn’t open them otherwise it will rain tears. His mind turns into a movie of a sorts. He watches; a girl preparing to attend a Friday night party, a pastor preparing a sermon for a Kesha, a father driving home to catch up with his family during the weekend. It dawns on him life is moving on despite his woes. He opens his eyes, unlocks his phone, dials 1-0-0 and calls Safaricom customer care and asks them how they are doing. Ok, I’m kidding, he does not call them.

He hates staying idle, so to kill time he religiously drinks uji ya Mama Shiko at 6p.m. Mama Shiko is another hardworking woman in this village. She is among the few special species of village women, who are entrepreneurial and never get scared at been judged. Mama Shiko is a peace loving woman but turns nuts if any man (or boy for that matter) tries her daughter- Shiku. Rumours have it, she awarded a guy several hard slaps for preying on her daughter. Next week Shiko will be home for August vacation, if they don’t burn their school over the weekend.  That’s an if.

He takes the third sip as he contemplates on where to go next week. Shiko is coming home, thus he has to keep away to avoid drama.

Looking at the hotel walls like he wants to cause them to dissapear he gets to deep thoughts “This women don’t trust me with their girls….. They think all campus guys are womanizers and Casanovas…. What if I tell them am saved? …. well I would just be wasting my precious saliva…” mimicking their voices in head and the drama rolls:

Mama Kamau: (Wagging a finger) Muniu and Jesus or Jesus and Muniu…. Or whoever comes first….What would those two really talk about?

Mama Njeri: By the way he has problems with our pastor… ati hataki kupakwa anointing oil…

Mama Mercy: (acting shocked) Why now? Nini mbaya na huyo mtoto?

Mama Njeri: Naskia akisema if the blood of Jesus didn’t deliver you completely, Anointing oil can’t. Blame it on the university…

(Impromptu silence… He passes by )

Mama Shiru: (pointing with her mouth) By the way kwanini hajapata kazi na alikuwa university?

(Silence…. Dead silence)

Mama Kamau: (veins popping out of her neck like somebody avoiding to fart loudly, as she tries not to be loud) nilisikia anatafuta na hapati…. He is now cutting firewood and selling milk, who knows? Maybe Jesus atamsaidia…

Laughter follows

Hahahhahaha, Atta Boy! Thii Ukiumaga!

Back at the Hotel: He is busting out, nothing can stop him from drowning his nose in the porridge. He laughs until Mama Shiko thinks this guy is nuts. Mama Shiko is tempted to laugh but chooses not to.

“What wrong with you. Why are you laughing alone?” Mama Shiko asks smiling

“Because you have a very big head” he feels like starting a fight but he stops after realising he is not a match for this woman. She can beat you up and serve you for dinner.

“Nothing at all Mama Shiko” He takes the sixth sip. His eyes escort Mama Shiko who is walking out and realises this woman is beautiful compared to some women around here.*No adultery. ‘Like mother like daughter’ He tosses around that familiar phrase in his mind.  What if somebody asked me to describe Shiko- he thinks and starts:

Shiko is the type of a girl you see and your heart skips a beat, knees get weak, and you feel like instantly falling in love, marrying and living with her forever. She is the most beautiful thing in this neighbourhood. She got this figure that naughty boys with big appetites escort with their big eyes. Her smile can make you divorce your girl and start chasing her. Her smile is not forged but natural and innocent. She is so hot that she can cause Limuru cold go away…..

Did I just hear Cephas whisper “arggggggh si umuoe basi”

Did I just hear Mike shout “Aki nipe number yake” while biting his finger.

Did I just break my girlfriend’s heart and she is like “Nitakuacha”

Did Mash just react “Bro, Kwani uliachana na Yesu?”

Did I just hear my pastor confirm his theory “Si nilisema ni kama amebackslide, angalia hasara ya kutopakwa mafuta”

Did I just hear Shiko react “awwwwwwh….. I surrender!” while chewing gum furiously.

Ooook, okkk, ok guys I promise to stop

To avoid all this drama happening at once, he tries to stop his mind from thinking about that innocent girl. He thinks “But my lady is still the most beautiful, breath-taking and the most fantastic woman in the world”

Do you now see where this story is headed?  Guys am sorry, this story is leading us nowhere. There is no lesson here… It is one of this guy swallowing porridge creative writing.

He recently opened a WhatsApp group where he is the only member and admin.
How now? He opened a group. Added his EX. Then removed her.
Why now?  To send a message home. You did not left, I removed you.
What is this group for? One, to overcome the writers block which Microsoft word makes a nightmare. And two, to obey the writers greatest commandment “Thou shall create and freeze thee moments into thee words” That how idle this boy is. He writes very well in groups. Anytime, anywhere in this group he types anything that comes in his mind. If you are reading this in a blog, just know I leaked it……

He takes the final sip. Between him and poverty is Ksh20 only. He had to contemplate whether to feed his body or his data bundles guzzler phone. He settled for a Bamba 10 and decided to swallow the rest 10 bob as a hot cup of Uji. It is getting dark, time to go….

He is Mr Lucy and his new lifestyle… just a vanity!

If you come around just grab uji ya Mama Shiko. It is the sweetest thing around.